[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
RED DWARF - SERIES 8
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
EPISODE 7 -- PETE, part 2
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
5 - 6 April, 1999


Raz / raz@matrixcity.org


http://www.matrixcity.org


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"Last time on Red Dwarf"


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[Several crewmembers stand stock-still. A pingpong game was obviously in


progress, too. Two crewmen are hunched over the table, and the ball hangs


motionless and unsupported in the air just in front of one of the players]


[Enter LISTER, RIMMER, BIRDMAN]


[BIRDMAN has found a cage for PETE, and carries it with him]


RIMMER


What happenned to everyone?


LISTER


It's like they're all frozen on the spot.


RIMMER


Yvonne McGruder went like this when I tried to kiss her.


LISTER


Hey, hey, this'll drive them crazy!


[LISTER plucks the pingpong ball from mid-air, tosses it up in the air and


catches it then pockets it]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


KOCHANSKI


We've found this machine that can digitise Time, and we can release jets


of it [...]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


KRYTEN


It seems to have restored your hair to a previous Time period to the rest


of you.


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


CAT


[...] It was an accident!


[Spinning CAT around, BAXTER shoves him head first through the dispensing


hatch, before addressing the voice-recognition unit]


BAXTER


Hot Bovril!


CAT


Aaaagghhh!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


CAT


[...] Fix him with the Time wand!


KRYTEN


Watch this!


[KRYTEN zaps BAXTER's dinner tray, turning the man's cooked chicken into


something alive and clucking. Startled, BAXTER sweeps the chicken off the


table, turning to glare at his pals who are laughing loudly. He elbows the


man beside him in the face]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


BIRDMAN


And this is Pete.


[...]


BIRDMAN


The excitement of bein' free 'as killed 'im!


LISTER


He really loved that bird, it was only thing that kept him going.


KRYTEN


I can't guarantee anything, sir, but I think the Time Wand could bring him


back to life; make him young and strong again.


Watch:


[KRYTEN taps instructions into the Time Wand, then zaps Pete's cage. There's


is a huge explosion - the bird disappears, and Birdman is sent sprawling,


losing his glasses in the process. As Birdman scrabbles around on the


floor, and the Dwarfers stand over the smoking remains of the cage, there


is a resounding boom as a gargantuan, scaly foot slams down onto the deck]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


[Roaring menacingly, a massive Tyranosaurus Rex towers above the amazed


humans, who begin backpeddling almost unconsciously]


LISTER


Where the *hell* did Barney's ugly brother come from??


KRYTEN


From Pete, sir. Birds are descended from dinosaurs; from the Theropod


family. I inadvertently reversed evolution several million years!


[...]


[Still without his glasses, Birdman suddenly finds a large, bird's foot-like


object scant inches from his face. He reaches out and fumbles at Pete's


smooth central claw]


BIRDMAN


[...] Is that you, Pete?


KOCHANSKI


Birdman!


[Pete eats BIRDMAN]


KRYTEN


What now, sir?


RIMMER


Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


KRYTEN


Hey! Hey! Pete, eat me! Here!


Bob! Bob, catch!


[KRYTEN throws the TIme Wand to the SKUTTER, who catches it in its claw]


LISTER


Bob!


[Pete, towing over the Skutter, leans down and swallows the robot whole]


KRYTEN


Bob!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


LISTER


Come on Kryten, hurry up!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


[Inside Pete, BOB the SKUTTER breaks the surface of a vat of stomach acids,


waggling his empty claw momentarily, BOB lowers himself into the depths


once more]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


[LISTER holds open the large food bay doors long enough for KRYTEN to dash


through, then seals them closed. Pete bashes his head against them, and


they buckle as if made of rubber]


KRYTEN


Leg it mode, sir!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--]


LISTER


We've lost the time wand.


CAT


How the hell're we going to get rid of that thing now?


RIMMER


We're finished!


LISTER


Stop yelling, man, we've gotta think our way out of this.


RIMMER


We're finished!


LISTER


Shut up and get a grip, man!


RIMMER


I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just - I was - Look, I'm better now.


Can I just say one thing?


LISTER


Yeah, go on.


RIMMER


We're finished!


LISTER


Holl, we need some advice, man. We've been cornered by a T-Rex that was


formerly a sparrow, and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody


Woodpecker is in it's stomach. What's your take on the situation?


HOLLY


What do you want, the long or the short version?


LISTER


Ooh... long.


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HOLLY


You're finished.


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


CAT


What's the short version??


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


HOLLY


'Bye.


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KOCHANSKI


Kryten?


KRYTEN


Er, yes, ma'am?


KOCHANSKI


How long, in the normal course of things, will it take for Pete to pass


the Time Wand out of his system?


KRYTEN


Well, strangely enough, ma'am, I don't have that information in my


database. My programmers, for some insane reason, decided that 'dinosaur


bowel movement frequency' tables wouldn't be required. Imbeciles!


LISTER


Why? What's your suggestion?


KOCHANSKI


Well, the quicker we get the Time Wand back, the better, right?


LISTER


Right.


KOCHANSKI


Right. So, why don't we lure Pete into the food bay and get him to eat


some roughage!


CAT


Get a T-Rex to eat roughage?


KOCHANSKI


Yeah! All-Bran, prunes, baked beans on toast, that sort of stuff.


RIMMER


We can't even get Lister to eat that sort of stuff, let alone a seven-ton


dinosaur!


KOCHANSKI


Look, the more roughage, the quicker we get the Time Wand back. Have you


got any better ideas?


RIMMER


Yes, I have got a better idea, actually. I'm going to kill myself.


LISTER


We've gotta keep this dinosaur business quiet or we're dead.


RIMMER


Keep him quiet? He's rampaging about the food decks making more noise


than two yodelling champions on honeymoon!


Everyone on the ship will have heard him by now.


KRYTEN


But, sir, the crew are frozen, operating on a different Time stream. Now,


if we can recapture the Time Wand and turn Pete back into a sparrow before


the freeze expires, no one need be any the wiser.


CAT


He's right. I just listened to everthing he said and I still ain't got a


clue what's happenning.


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


[SKUTTER catches buttons on the Time Wand and unfreezes the crew]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


[CAT is at the controls of a JMC fork-lift truck, and KRYTEN shouts


directions. The Dwarfers have converted a huge, bright yellow, inflatable


dinghy into a temporary food bowl - a large 'D I N O' has been scrawled on


the side, and the thing is full to the brim with hideous brown watery


substance]


KRYTEN


Right over, sir. We don't want a gap. Right over.


[CAT throws a lever, and the fork-lift lowers a frozen whole cow slowly into


the mixture]


RIMMER


Cow vindaloo? It's not gonna work.


LISTER


Of course it's gonna work.


RIMMER


T-Rex's don't like curry.


LISTER


They're hard, aren't they? Of course they like curries. If a T-Rex was a


bloke he'd be a Geordie. The kind of guy who wears t-shirts in the middle of


winter and his nipples don't even get hard.


RIMMER


A seven-ton Theropod is not going to eat Indian food. They like flesh.


Preferably living, liberally coated in blood with a side-order of


intestines, and an extra portion of blood.


A bit like the French in that respect.


LISTER


Look, we've got nothing to lose. And if the worst comes to the worst, and


the dino doesn't it, I'll scoff it myself.


[Pete suddenly breaks a foot through the bottom of the once-sealed doors]


LISTER


That door's not gonna hold out much longer.


RIMMER


If only that damn T-Rex felt like I do now; he wouldn't even *need* a


curry.


[CAT and KRYTEN are pouring bags of bran into the jerry-rigged food bowl]


LISTER


Don't put that stuff in, you're gonna spoil the taste!


KOCHANSKI


Here he comes!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


[Pete takes an experimental sniff at the contents of the bowl, then begins


slurping noisily]


LISTER


It's loving it!


Maybe we should have made some poppadums, gone the whole hog?


CAT


The whole hog? Like it wasn't hard enough getting the whole cow?


[Pete raises his head high and shakes it]


LISTER


I think he wants a lager.


[Pete abruptly stops moving, then lowers his head slowly. Suddenly, his eyes


bug out, his nostrils flare and lets out a piercing screech]


LISTER


It was a hot one, but with it being a dino I thought it could stand it!


[Yowling piteously, Pete stomps back and forth looking for relief. Finally


he smashes through an iron wall and disappears from view]


[Enter GUARDS]


KRYTEN


The Time freeze on the guards must have... If only those buttons were


more clearly marked!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--]


HOLLISTER


The rules about dinosaurs aboard JMC mining ships are very clear. No pets.


Am I right? Am I right!?


RIMMER, LISTER


Yes, sir.


HOLLISTER


Have you any idea the damage that thing has caused?


RIMMER, LISTER


No, sir.


HOLLISTER


It has eaten our entire supply - two and a half tons - of mint-choc ice


cream. I *love* mint-choc ice cream, and that damn dino has eaten every last


bit.


RIMMER


We were just trying to get the Time Wand back, sir.


HOLLISTER


It has also eaten four hundred crates of orange ice-pops, and drank all


the Coca-Cola. Guess what?


RIMMER


You love orange ice-pops and Coca-Cola, sir?


HOLLISTER


I love orange ice-pops and Coca-Cola.


LISTER


Sir, if you could just let us -


HOLLISTER


And do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo, and then


eats two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by four hundred


crates of orange ice-pops, and swills the whole thing down with two thousand


gallons of a popular fizzy drink? Do you know what happens?


LISTER


It burps?


HOLLISTER


Oh, it burps. And do you know what happenned to the poor brave men who had


the misfortune to get in the way of that burp?


RIMMER


They went 'phwoooarrr!'?


HOLLISTER


It took out the entire platoon, hurling them twenty feet across the cargo


bay wall.


RIMMER


Sir, I hope this one, small dinosaur incident won't tarnish an otherwise


flawless service record, sir.


HOLLISTER


Do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo, two and a half


tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by four hundred crates of orange


ice-pops, and swills it all down with two thousand gallons of a popular


fizzy drink, *after* it's burped?


RIMMER


It feels sick?


HOLLISTER


Oh no! It doesn't *feel* sick, Rimmer - it *is* sick!


Five of our best men nearly drowned! Two others are in hospital, concussed


by pieces of carrot the size of tree trunks.


LISTER


We are really, deeply, deeply, deeply sorry, sir.


HOLLISTER


Do you know what happens when a dinosaur has eaten cow vindaloo, then


eats two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by -


LISTER


Oh god, it didn't?


HOLLISTER


It didn't what, Lister?


LISTER


It didn't get a diarrhea attack, did it?


HOLLISTER


One hundred percent correct! And, do you know what happenned to the


battalion that was sneaking up on the beast - from behind - of which I was


a proud member? Do ya know? Do ya know what happenned?


RIMMER


Got a fair idea, sir.


LISTER


Yes, sir. A fair idea, sir.


HOLLISTER


A tidal wave. Fifteen feet high. I will be in therapy for the rest of my


life. I've had twelve baths, and three showers.


Now, do you have *anything* to say?


RIMMER


Yes, sir, I think you missed a bit up your left nostril, sir.


[HOLLISTER picks up the Time Wand from his desk]


HOLLISTER


No one knows how to work this thing.


It is sedated in the cargo bay - turn it back into a sparrow!


LISTER


Sir, erm, what about Bob? Did he show up?


HOLLISTER


Who the hell do you think landed on my head? He is in repairs, being


oiled.


Bring back the sparrow, and, if you try anything smart, you're dead.


RIMMER, LISTER


Yes, sir.


HOLLISTER


And, if I ever, ever, *ever*, see you in this office again, you are


finished. See ya in ten minutes?


[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]


HOLLISTER


See ya in ten minutes?


[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]


HOLLISTER


See ya in ten minutes?


[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]


HOLLISTER


See ya in ten minutes?


[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]


HOLLISTER


See ya in ten minutes?


[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]


HOLLISTER


See ya in ten minutes?


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


KOCHANSKI


Did you get punishment duty too?


KRYTEN


I've got to iron eight-hundred prison smocks. I don't understand...


KOCHANSKI


Ohh...


KRYTEN


Why do you get punishment duty and I get a reward?


Eight-hundred! Bliss!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


LISTER


Did you see the Captain's report? The one lying open on his desk? See what


it said about you?


He used the word 'imbecile' four times in one sentence.


RIMMER


Oh yeah? What were the other words in the sentence?


LISTER


Just your name, and a dash.


RIMMER


I don't know, you make a couple of tiny mistakes - you give the Captain a


virus that eats all his hair off, then you accidentally turn a sparrow into


a dinosaur and you never hear the last of it!


Pssshhhhh. He really thinks I'm an imbecile? I'm finished, I'm never going


to make it into High Command now.


LISTER


It's just the people who know you who think you're an imbecile. Everyone


else thinks you're a moron.


[Enter HOLLISTER]


[RIMMER, facing away from the door, does not realise. LISTER spots him, and


begins dropping meaningful glances in the man's direction]


LISTER


He is a good Captain, though, Captain Hollister, isn't he, eh? On the


ball. Quick.


[LISTER surreptitiously points over RIMMER's shoulder, but RIMMER isn't


looking at him]


RIMMER


Quick? The only time he's quick is when he's passing a salad bar.


LISTER


You do admire him though, don't you?


RIMMER


Admire him? A man who has his own cinema pick-and-mix factory in his


quarters? A man who has a walk-in fridge? Who lists as his hobbies 'chewing'


and 'swallowing'?


LISTER


You did tell me once before, though, you do respect *him*, don't ya?


LISTER


Respect him? A man who's family crest is made up of two cream buns and a


profitarole? A man who's idea of a light snack --


He's standing behind me, isn't he?


HOLLISTER


Yes, he is.


[RIMMER leaps to his feet and stands to attention]


RIMMER


I was just talking about you, sir. I was saying what a big fat lump of


blubber I think you are, and how that potato virus I contracted yesterday


doesn't appear to have had any strange side-effects whatsoever -


[RIMMER suddenly appears to be seized by a spasm. His head tosses wildly


and he makes unintelligable sounds as his lips and cheeks flap. HOLLISTER


watches and waits, unimpressed]


HOLLISTER


You forgot this. You left it in my office. D'you have any idea the damage


that this could cause if it got into the wrong hands?


LOOK AFTER IT!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--]


[KOCHANSKI is crouched over on her floor, staring under her bunk and poking


a broom into the dark corners beneath]


KOCHANSKI


You're there, I *know* you're there, you little sod!


Come on, out! Out!


[Enter KRYTEN]


KOCHANSKI


There's a mouse under here, its been scuttling around for about ten


minutes.


KRYTEN


It's not a mouse, ma'am, it's Archie.


KOCHANSKI


Archie?


KRYTEN


My penis. It must have escaped.


KOCHANSKI


You know, I'm really going to have to get my ears syringed; do you know


what that sounded like to me?


KRYTEN


I made one.


KOCHANSKI


Forget my ears, maybe my whole *brain* needs syringing... You made one?


KRYTEN


Mmm. Out of an old electron board, a loo roll, some sticky-backed plastic


and an Action Man's polo-neck jumper.


KOCHANSKI


Kryten, why do you want one?


KRYTEN


It's so humiliating, being posted to the Women's Wing just because I'm


genitally challenged! So I decided to make one like Mister Lister's.


Little rascal must have got bored jumping in and out of his hoop and made


a break for it during the night.


KOCHANSKI


No wonder I couldn't lure him out with a bit of cheese. This whole thing's


making sense now.


KRYTEN


Just leave this to me, ma'am.


Here, Archie! Here, boy!


KOCHANSKI


There he is!


[A small, gibbering critter suddenly hurls itself out and across the floor,


tears around the room like a miniature whirlwind and shoots back under the


bunk, where KRYTEN traps it under a bucket. Undeterred, the gibbering thing


nudges the bucket out from under the bunk, lurches around for a moment,


then whizzes out of the cell door and down a corridor]


KOCHANSKI


Kryten, do you realise what this means?


KRYTEN


No, ma'am.


KOCHANSKI


It means you're a real man.


KRYTEN


It does? Why?


KOCHANSKI


Because now, like all men, you have absolutely no control over your penis.


KRYTEN


I'm so proud!


Archie, come back!


[Enter GUARD]


GUARD


All right, girls? New Canary mission.


KOCHANSKI


What?


GUARD


Un-tamed dino on the loose!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


KOCHANSKI


We're not going in 'till we know what we're doing.


RIMMER


That could take years...


[KOCHANSKI spots LISTER toying with the Time Wand]


KOCHANSKI


You... point that thing at yourself and you could end up as a - a - sperm!


Is that what you want?


CAT


Hell no! None of my suits will fit!


KILL CRAZY


Well, if that gizmo thing don't work, Captain says we gotta go in and 'ave


that thing.


BAXTER


And we ain't usin' no guns.


KILL CRAZY


Yeah, huns are for wusses. It's gonna be hand-to-hand combat.


[KILL CRAZY performs a few amateur martial arts moves]


RIMMER


A fistfight with T-Rex..?


KILL CRAZY


Yeah, but them T-Rexes, mate... only got little arms, in't they... ain't


got no reach... Yeah, I'll just pick it off...


Bosh!


[KILL CRAZY enthusiastically punches the air a few times]


BAXTER


Can't reach anyfin' with them little arms.


RIMMER


That's probably why they're always a bit grumpy...


[RIMMER mimes trying to reach down his body with a T-Rex's small forearms]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


[The Dwarfers, with their Canary troop, scramble along a corridor]


[Suddenly, CAT pulls up short, shock and terror on his face]


CAT


Oh my god..!


KOCHANSKI


What!


CAT


Something's wrong!


LISTER


What d'you mean, man??


CAT


Something's inside me and it wants to get out!


KOCHANSKI


Oh my god!


CAT


Aaaarrggg! Help!!


[Tearing his clothes open, CAT sinks to the ground and falls onto his back.


sure enough, a strange, gibbering thing is wiggling around under CAT's


shirt]


RIMMER


What is it??


KRYTEN


I think it's Archie, sir.


LISTER


It's who?


KOCHANSKI


He escaped earlier - probably followed us. Must have dozed off in the


Cat's pocket and just woken up.


LISTER


Who the smeg is Archie?


KRYTEN


Oh, don't be alarmed, sir. It's just my penis is on the loose.


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


KILL CRAZY, BAXTER


Yaaarrrggg!!


[The crazed pair leap out from the wall of the corridor, separating RIMMER


and LISTER from the others, and squaring off with them]


BAXTER


We, want a barny with Barney - don't want any sane people spoilin' it...


KILL CRAZY


Death... or glory... yee-harr!


LISTER


Hang on guys, come on, wait a minute...


[BAXTER grabs the TIme Wand from Lister, and grunts ineffectually as he


stabs buttons stupidly on its control panel. Sparks and spurts of blue


electrical light splash over RIMMER and LISTER, apparently without effect]


BAXTER


This thing's useless!


[BAXTER tosses the Time Wand over his shoulder. BAXTER grabs LISTER's face


and pulls him close to his own. KILL CRAZY similarly grabs RIMMER]


BAXTER


Say goodbye to your teeth...


[BAXTER draws his fist back and punches LISTER solidly in the mouth, but


then grabs his hand, wincing in pain as LISTER doesn't move. He punches


again, with as little effect as his first]


LISTER


Something's not right... we're gettin' our butts kicked and it doesn't


hurt..?


[BAXTER lands a third punch on LISTER's mouth, still with no effect]


LISTER


See, look, I'm not even bleeding.


[KILL CRAZY tries his luck, landing a fist first in RIMMER's gut, then


across his mouth. RIMMER looks at him disdainfully]


RIMMER


You're right...


[BAXTER tries a change of tactics, grabs LISTER by his lapels and tries


pushing him backwards. After a few seconds gasping, he gives up. KILL CRAZY


tries the same on RIMMER, also to no avail. Simultaneously, the two psychos


land a stomach punch then a cross to the jaws of LISTER and RIMMER, then


stare incredulously as the pair grin back at them]


[KRYTEN is checking the Time Wand's control panel]


KRYTEN


According to this, sirs, they've put your bodies on a different Time


stream to the rest of you.


BAXTER


Let's go!


[KILL CRAZY and BAXTER turn and sprint away, passing KRYTEN and snatching


the Time Wand from his hands as they pass. Several other Canaries follow


them]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--]


HOLLISTER


You lost the Time Wand?


LISTER


We were ambushed, sir.


HOLLISTER


By whom?


LISTER


Well, first of all by Kryten's -


RIMMER


Harummph!


LISTER


- and then we were jumped by -


RIMMER


Harummph!!


LISTER


- sir.


HOLLISTER


That's it?


Okay. No more 'Mister Nice Guy', no more second chances. You get that Time


Wand back, you get that sparrow back, and if you step out of line one more


time - *one more time* - you're dead! Do you understand?


[Suddenly, RIMMER and LISTER appear to pucker their lips out exaggeratedly,


but both look shocked. Just as the expressions disappear, two thumping


sounds issue from LISTER's general location and he goes reeling backwards,


smashing through a wall display of technical drawings. Slowly, he picks


himself back up and peers through the hole he just made]


LISTER


What was that??


RIMMER


I th--


[Whatever RIMMER thinks is temporarily lost as he suddenly doubles over, a


solid thump issuing from his midriff, then is knocked backwards off his


feet to the accompaniment of another bone-jarring crack. CAPTAIN HOLLISTER


looks around, amazed, as LISTER is twice sent flying through the air in


front of him]


HOLLISTER


What the hell is going on??


[The pair pick themselves up painfully]


RIMMER


The effects of the fight, they've caught up with us!


[RIMMER and LISTER suddenly lurch forward on to the CAPTAIN's desk, their


squashed faces inches from HOLLISTER's]


HOLLISTER


Get out of here, both of you! Out!


[Thrust back from the table, the pair barely have time to take breath,


before it is knocked out of them, and both take a punch that pushes them


out of the CAPTAIN's office, down the corridor, and finally slams them up


against the metal wall at the far end]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


LISTER


Gettin' that Time Wand back could take forever, and they could zap us with


it, and turn us into anything!


RIMMER


I don't think getting it back is gonna be much of a problem...


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


[A short distance away, two large gorillas, dressed in tight-fitting Canary


outfits are crouched on the deck, playing with the light beam from a torch.


The Time Wand lies forgotten on the deck a few feet away, and a large pole


eases towards it from out of short, and slides it carefully away from the


two gorillas]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


[Pete the T-Rex is laid out on his back, snoring soundly]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


RIMMER


It's gonna go wrong, isn't it.


LISTER


Look, all I've gotta do is press 'undo', and the Time Wand will retrace


its steps, and undo everything its done so far. This way we'll even get


Birdman back.


RIMMER


Something's gonna go wrong, it always does for us.


LISTER


Will you relax?


[LISTER works the controls on the Time Wand and blue crackling light plays


over the deck momentarily. A pair of boots, filled with what looks


suspiciously like the remains of two feet, appear as the light clears]


LISTER


Birdman's boots. Now to get the rest of him back.


[LISTER again manipulates the control pad, and a second crackle of light


leaves behind a complete and living BIRDMAN]


BIRDMAN


Pete ate me. He ate me. He must be really out of sorts, he's never eaten


me before; never.


[LISTER works the controls a final time, and huge burst of crackling light


cascades over Pete's dinosaur form. In an instant, the massive bulk of the


T-Rex vanishes, leaving behind a tiny little sparrow that flutters,


tweeting, to BIRDMAN]


BIRDMAN


Pete!


You want some seed?


RIMMER


Now, destroy the Time Wand.


LISTER


This machine's priceless!


RIMMER


Destroy it!


[LISTER drops the Wand and stomps on it, mashing it to pieces]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


[Passing along a corridor, LISTER, RIMMER and BIRDMAN are distracted by a


somewhat large object that seems different to the surrounding metalwork of


Red Dwarf. Something roughly oval-shaped, off white in colour, with subtle


striped markings. The thing wobbles slightly as they watch, and a sound


exactly like the cracking of an eggshell can be heard]


LISTER


What are we gonna do now?


RIMMER


Now... rebuild... the Time Wand, it's absolutely priceless!


[LISTER and RIMMER sprint off, BIRDMAN tagging behind, and thereby miss a


beautiful moment as the youngling pokes its prehensile tail out of the


breaking eggshell. The trio return moments later, LISTER and RIMMER each


clutching a bundle of tangled wires and snapped circuit boards, and


manfully attempt to jam the pieces back together. After several painful


seconds, during which a pair of chubby feet thrust out from the egg, they


throw their pieces to the deck in disgust. As they watch, the little


dinosaur, manages to get its feet under it, and waddles rapidly down a


corridor, eggshell and all]


RIMMER


Stop that dinosaur!


LISTER


It's gone in the lift, its gone in the lift!


RIMMER


Get it back, get it back! Get it back...


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER is laid on a bed, receiving a massage]


HOLLISTER


Ooh, that coconut milk felt great...


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


[Having recalled the elevator, LISTER and RIMMER dive into the car, weapons


drawn, but all that remains is an empty egg shell


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


HOLLISTER


Oh, I'm such a wreck...


[Exit MASSEUSE]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


[The baby T-Rex rises up beside the CAPTAIN, who lies face down on the bed]


HOLLISTER


Mmmm... ooohhhh... aahhh, oh, that's great.


The baby runs its tongue along HOLLISTER's back


HOLLISTER


Ohh, there's a certain roughness about your touch that really hits the


spot!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


[RIMMER and LISTER enter the CAPTAIN's office, and see HOLLISTER staring at


them silently. He holds up a white card, on which is written:]


"I am suffering from post traumatic stress disorder."


[HOLLISTER puts down the card and holds up a second:]


"I may never speak again."


[After a short pause, HOLLISTER selects a new card:]


"The Hole.


Twelve months."


[RIMMER and LISTER turn to leave, but HOLLISTER raps on his desk angrily,


holding up another card:]


"Where the hell are you going?"


RIMMER


The Hole, sir...


[HOLLISTER whips another card from his desk, which reads:]


"You're not going to the Hole - _I_am_"


[RIMMER and LISTER exchange an uncertain glance, and HOLLISTER, grinning


worryingly, holds up his final card:]


"See you in twelve months."


[------------------------- END OF "PETE, part 2" -------------------xx:xx--]