[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
RED DWARF - SERIES 8
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EPISODE 7 -- PETE, part 2
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5 - 6 April, 1999

Raz / raz@matrixcity.org

http://www.matrixcity.org

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"Last time on Red Dwarf"

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[Several crewmembers stand stock-still. A pingpong game was obviously in

progress, too. Two crewmen are hunched over the table, and the ball hangs

motionless and unsupported in the air just in front of one of the players]

[Enter LISTER, RIMMER, BIRDMAN]

[BIRDMAN has found a cage for PETE, and carries it with him]

RIMMER

What happenned to everyone?

LISTER

It's like they're all frozen on the spot.

RIMMER

Yvonne McGruder went like this when I tried to kiss her.

LISTER

Hey, hey, this'll drive them crazy!

[LISTER plucks the pingpong ball from mid-air, tosses it up in the air and

catches it then pockets it]

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

KOCHANSKI

We've found this machine that can digitise Time, and we can release jets

of it [...]

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KRYTEN

It seems to have restored your hair to a previous Time period to the rest

of you.

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CAT

[...] It was an accident!

[Spinning CAT around, BAXTER shoves him head first through the dispensing

hatch, before addressing the voice-recognition unit]

BAXTER

Hot Bovril!

CAT

Aaaagghhh!

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

CAT

[...] Fix him with the Time wand!

KRYTEN

Watch this!

[KRYTEN zaps BAXTER's dinner tray, turning the man's cooked chicken into

something alive and clucking. Startled, BAXTER sweeps the chicken off the

table, turning to glare at his pals who are laughing loudly. He elbows the

man beside him in the face]

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

BIRDMAN

And this is Pete.

[...]

BIRDMAN

The excitement of bein' free 'as killed 'im!

LISTER

He really loved that bird, it was only thing that kept him going.

KRYTEN

I can't guarantee anything, sir, but I think the Time Wand could bring him

back to life; make him young and strong again.

Watch:

[KRYTEN taps instructions into the Time Wand, then zaps Pete's cage. There's

is a huge explosion - the bird disappears, and Birdman is sent sprawling,

losing his glasses in the process. As Birdman scrabbles around on the

floor, and the Dwarfers stand over the smoking remains of the cage, there

is a resounding boom as a gargantuan, scaly foot slams down onto the deck]

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[Roaring menacingly, a massive Tyranosaurus Rex towers above the amazed

humans, who begin backpeddling almost unconsciously]

LISTER

Where the *hell* did Barney's ugly brother come from??

KRYTEN

From Pete, sir. Birds are descended from dinosaurs; from the Theropod

family. I inadvertently reversed evolution several million years!

[...]

[Still without his glasses, Birdman suddenly finds a large, bird's foot-like

object scant inches from his face. He reaches out and fumbles at Pete's

smooth central claw]

BIRDMAN

[...] Is that you, Pete?

KOCHANSKI

Birdman!

[Pete eats BIRDMAN]

KRYTEN

What now, sir?

RIMMER

Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur!

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

KRYTEN

Hey! Hey! Pete, eat me! Here!

Bob! Bob, catch!

[KRYTEN throws the TIme Wand to the SKUTTER, who catches it in its claw]

LISTER

Bob!

[Pete, towing over the Skutter, leans down and swallows the robot whole]

KRYTEN

Bob!

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

LISTER

Come on Kryten, hurry up!

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[Inside Pete, BOB the SKUTTER breaks the surface of a vat of stomach acids,

waggling his empty claw momentarily, BOB lowers himself into the depths

once more]

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[LISTER holds open the large food bay doors long enough for KRYTEN to dash

through, then seals them closed. Pete bashes his head against them, and

they buckle as if made of rubber]

KRYTEN

Leg it mode, sir!

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LISTER

We've lost the time wand.

CAT

How the hell're we going to get rid of that thing now?

RIMMER

We're finished!

LISTER

Stop yelling, man, we've gotta think our way out of this.

RIMMER

We're finished!

LISTER

Shut up and get a grip, man!

RIMMER

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just - I was - Look, I'm better now.

Can I just say one thing?

LISTER

Yeah, go on.

RIMMER

We're finished!

LISTER

Holl, we need some advice, man. We've been cornered by a T-Rex that was

formerly a sparrow, and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody

Woodpecker is in it's stomach. What's your take on the situation?

HOLLY

What do you want, the long or the short version?

LISTER

Ooh... long.

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HOLLY

You're finished.

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CAT

What's the short version??

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

HOLLY

'Bye.

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KOCHANSKI

Kryten?

KRYTEN

Er, yes, ma'am?

KOCHANSKI

How long, in the normal course of things, will it take for Pete to pass

the Time Wand out of his system?

KRYTEN

Well, strangely enough, ma'am, I don't have that information in my

database. My programmers, for some insane reason, decided that 'dinosaur

bowel movement frequency' tables wouldn't be required. Imbeciles!

LISTER

Why? What's your suggestion?

KOCHANSKI

Well, the quicker we get the Time Wand back, the better, right?

LISTER

Right.

KOCHANSKI

Right. So, why don't we lure Pete into the food bay and get him to eat

some roughage!

CAT

Get a T-Rex to eat roughage?

KOCHANSKI

Yeah! All-Bran, prunes, baked beans on toast, that sort of stuff.

RIMMER

We can't even get Lister to eat that sort of stuff, let alone a seven-ton

dinosaur!

KOCHANSKI

Look, the more roughage, the quicker we get the Time Wand back. Have you

got any better ideas?

RIMMER

Yes, I have got a better idea, actually. I'm going to kill myself.

LISTER

We've gotta keep this dinosaur business quiet or we're dead.

RIMMER

Keep him quiet? He's rampaging about the food decks making more noise

than two yodelling champions on honeymoon!

Everyone on the ship will have heard him by now.

KRYTEN

But, sir, the crew are frozen, operating on a different Time stream. Now,

if we can recapture the Time Wand and turn Pete back into a sparrow before

the freeze expires, no one need be any the wiser.

CAT

He's right. I just listened to everthing he said and I still ain't got a

clue what's happenning.

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[SKUTTER catches buttons on the Time Wand and unfreezes the crew]

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[CAT is at the controls of a JMC fork-lift truck, and KRYTEN shouts

directions. The Dwarfers have converted a huge, bright yellow, inflatable

dinghy into a temporary food bowl - a large 'D I N O' has been scrawled on

the side, and the thing is full to the brim with hideous brown watery

substance]

KRYTEN

Right over, sir. We don't want a gap. Right over.

[CAT throws a lever, and the fork-lift lowers a frozen whole cow slowly into

the mixture]

RIMMER

Cow vindaloo? It's not gonna work.

LISTER

Of course it's gonna work.

RIMMER

T-Rex's don't like curry.

LISTER

They're hard, aren't they? Of course they like curries. If a T-Rex was a

bloke he'd be a Geordie. The kind of guy who wears t-shirts in the middle of

winter and his nipples don't even get hard.

RIMMER

A seven-ton Theropod is not going to eat Indian food. They like flesh.

Preferably living, liberally coated in blood with a side-order of

intestines, and an extra portion of blood.

A bit like the French in that respect.

LISTER

Look, we've got nothing to lose. And if the worst comes to the worst, and

the dino doesn't it, I'll scoff it myself.

[Pete suddenly breaks a foot through the bottom of the once-sealed doors]

LISTER

That door's not gonna hold out much longer.

RIMMER

If only that damn T-Rex felt like I do now; he wouldn't even *need* a

curry.

[CAT and KRYTEN are pouring bags of bran into the jerry-rigged food bowl]

LISTER

Don't put that stuff in, you're gonna spoil the taste!

KOCHANSKI

Here he comes!

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[Pete takes an experimental sniff at the contents of the bowl, then begins

slurping noisily]

LISTER

It's loving it!

Maybe we should have made some poppadums, gone the whole hog?

CAT

The whole hog? Like it wasn't hard enough getting the whole cow?

[Pete raises his head high and shakes it]

LISTER

I think he wants a lager.

[Pete abruptly stops moving, then lowers his head slowly. Suddenly, his eyes

bug out, his nostrils flare and lets out a piercing screech]

LISTER

It was a hot one, but with it being a dino I thought it could stand it!

[Yowling piteously, Pete stomps back and forth looking for relief. Finally

he smashes through an iron wall and disappears from view]

[Enter GUARDS]

KRYTEN

The Time freeze on the guards must have... If only those buttons were

more clearly marked!

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HOLLISTER

The rules about dinosaurs aboard JMC mining ships are very clear. No pets.

Am I right? Am I right!?

RIMMER, LISTER

Yes, sir.

HOLLISTER

Have you any idea the damage that thing has caused?

RIMMER, LISTER

No, sir.

HOLLISTER

It has eaten our entire supply - two and a half tons - of mint-choc ice

cream. I *love* mint-choc ice cream, and that damn dino has eaten every last

bit.

RIMMER

We were just trying to get the Time Wand back, sir.

HOLLISTER

It has also eaten four hundred crates of orange ice-pops, and drank all

the Coca-Cola. Guess what?

RIMMER

You love orange ice-pops and Coca-Cola, sir?

HOLLISTER

I love orange ice-pops and Coca-Cola.

LISTER

Sir, if you could just let us -

HOLLISTER

And do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo, and then

eats two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by four hundred

crates of orange ice-pops, and swills the whole thing down with two thousand

gallons of a popular fizzy drink? Do you know what happens?

LISTER

It burps?

HOLLISTER

Oh, it burps. And do you know what happenned to the poor brave men who had

the misfortune to get in the way of that burp?

RIMMER

They went 'phwoooarrr!'?

HOLLISTER

It took out the entire platoon, hurling them twenty feet across the cargo

bay wall.

RIMMER

Sir, I hope this one, small dinosaur incident won't tarnish an otherwise

flawless service record, sir.

HOLLISTER

Do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo, two and a half

tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by four hundred crates of orange

ice-pops, and swills it all down with two thousand gallons of a popular

fizzy drink, *after* it's burped?

RIMMER

It feels sick?

HOLLISTER

Oh no! It doesn't *feel* sick, Rimmer - it *is* sick!

Five of our best men nearly drowned! Two others are in hospital, concussed

by pieces of carrot the size of tree trunks.

LISTER

We are really, deeply, deeply, deeply sorry, sir.

HOLLISTER

Do you know what happens when a dinosaur has eaten cow vindaloo, then

eats two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by -

LISTER

Oh god, it didn't?

HOLLISTER

It didn't what, Lister?

LISTER

It didn't get a diarrhea attack, did it?

HOLLISTER

One hundred percent correct! And, do you know what happenned to the

battalion that was sneaking up on the beast - from behind - of which I was

a proud member? Do ya know? Do ya know what happenned?

RIMMER

Got a fair idea, sir.

LISTER

Yes, sir. A fair idea, sir.

HOLLISTER

A tidal wave. Fifteen feet high. I will be in therapy for the rest of my

life. I've had twelve baths, and three showers.

Now, do you have *anything* to say?

RIMMER

Yes, sir, I think you missed a bit up your left nostril, sir.

[HOLLISTER picks up the Time Wand from his desk]

HOLLISTER

No one knows how to work this thing.

It is sedated in the cargo bay - turn it back into a sparrow!

LISTER

Sir, erm, what about Bob? Did he show up?

HOLLISTER

Who the hell do you think landed on my head? He is in repairs, being

oiled.

Bring back the sparrow, and, if you try anything smart, you're dead.

RIMMER, LISTER

Yes, sir.

HOLLISTER

And, if I ever, ever, *ever*, see you in this office again, you are

finished. See ya in ten minutes?

[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]

HOLLISTER

See ya in ten minutes?

[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]

HOLLISTER

See ya in ten minutes?

[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]

HOLLISTER

See ya in ten minutes?

[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]

HOLLISTER

See ya in ten minutes?

[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]

HOLLISTER

See ya in ten minutes?

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KOCHANSKI

Did you get punishment duty too?

KRYTEN

I've got to iron eight-hundred prison smocks. I don't understand...

KOCHANSKI

Ohh...

KRYTEN

Why do you get punishment duty and I get a reward?

Eight-hundred! Bliss!

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

LISTER

Did you see the Captain's report? The one lying open on his desk? See what

it said about you?

He used the word 'imbecile' four times in one sentence.

RIMMER

Oh yeah? What were the other words in the sentence?

LISTER

Just your name, and a dash.

RIMMER

I don't know, you make a couple of tiny mistakes - you give the Captain a

virus that eats all his hair off, then you accidentally turn a sparrow into

a dinosaur and you never hear the last of it!

Pssshhhhh. He really thinks I'm an imbecile? I'm finished, I'm never going

to make it into High Command now.

LISTER

It's just the people who know you who think you're an imbecile. Everyone

else thinks you're a moron.

[Enter HOLLISTER]

[RIMMER, facing away from the door, does not realise. LISTER spots him, and

begins dropping meaningful glances in the man's direction]

LISTER

He is a good Captain, though, Captain Hollister, isn't he, eh? On the

ball. Quick.

[LISTER surreptitiously points over RIMMER's shoulder, but RIMMER isn't

looking at him]

RIMMER

Quick? The only time he's quick is when he's passing a salad bar.

LISTER

You do admire him though, don't you?

RIMMER

Admire him? A man who has his own cinema pick-and-mix factory in his

quarters? A man who has a walk-in fridge? Who lists as his hobbies 'chewing'

and 'swallowing'?

LISTER

You did tell me once before, though, you do respect *him*, don't ya?

LISTER

Respect him? A man who's family crest is made up of two cream buns and a

profitarole? A man who's idea of a light snack --

He's standing behind me, isn't he?

HOLLISTER

Yes, he is.

[RIMMER leaps to his feet and stands to attention]

RIMMER

I was just talking about you, sir. I was saying what a big fat lump of

blubber I think you are, and how that potato virus I contracted yesterday

doesn't appear to have had any strange side-effects whatsoever -

[RIMMER suddenly appears to be seized by a spasm. His head tosses wildly

and he makes unintelligable sounds as his lips and cheeks flap. HOLLISTER

watches and waits, unimpressed]

HOLLISTER

You forgot this. You left it in my office. D'you have any idea the damage

that this could cause if it got into the wrong hands?

LOOK AFTER IT!

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[KOCHANSKI is crouched over on her floor, staring under her bunk and poking

a broom into the dark corners beneath]

KOCHANSKI

You're there, I *know* you're there, you little sod!

Come on, out! Out!

[Enter KRYTEN]

KOCHANSKI

There's a mouse under here, its been scuttling around for about ten

minutes.

KRYTEN

It's not a mouse, ma'am, it's Archie.

KOCHANSKI

Archie?

KRYTEN

My penis. It must have escaped.

KOCHANSKI

You know, I'm really going to have to get my ears syringed; do you know

what that sounded like to me?

KRYTEN

I made one.

KOCHANSKI

Forget my ears, maybe my whole *brain* needs syringing... You made one?

KRYTEN

Mmm. Out of an old electron board, a loo roll, some sticky-backed plastic

and an Action Man's polo-neck jumper.

KOCHANSKI

Kryten, why do you want one?

KRYTEN

It's so humiliating, being posted to the Women's Wing just because I'm

genitally challenged! So I decided to make one like Mister Lister's.

Little rascal must have got bored jumping in and out of his hoop and made

a break for it during the night.

KOCHANSKI

No wonder I couldn't lure him out with a bit of cheese. This whole thing's

making sense now.

KRYTEN

Just leave this to me, ma'am.

Here, Archie! Here, boy!

KOCHANSKI

There he is!

[A small, gibbering critter suddenly hurls itself out and across the floor,

tears around the room like a miniature whirlwind and shoots back under the

bunk, where KRYTEN traps it under a bucket. Undeterred, the gibbering thing

nudges the bucket out from under the bunk, lurches around for a moment,

then whizzes out of the cell door and down a corridor]

KOCHANSKI

Kryten, do you realise what this means?

KRYTEN

No, ma'am.

KOCHANSKI

It means you're a real man.

KRYTEN

It does? Why?

KOCHANSKI

Because now, like all men, you have absolutely no control over your penis.

KRYTEN

I'm so proud!

Archie, come back!

[Enter GUARD]

GUARD

All right, girls? New Canary mission.

KOCHANSKI

What?

GUARD

Un-tamed dino on the loose!

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

KOCHANSKI

We're not going in 'till we know what we're doing.

RIMMER

That could take years...

[KOCHANSKI spots LISTER toying with the Time Wand]

KOCHANSKI

You... point that thing at yourself and you could end up as a - a - sperm!

Is that what you want?

CAT

Hell no! None of my suits will fit!

KILL CRAZY

Well, if that gizmo thing don't work, Captain says we gotta go in and 'ave

that thing.

BAXTER

And we ain't usin' no guns.

KILL CRAZY

Yeah, huns are for wusses. It's gonna be hand-to-hand combat.

[KILL CRAZY performs a few amateur martial arts moves]

RIMMER

A fistfight with T-Rex..?

KILL CRAZY

Yeah, but them T-Rexes, mate... only got little arms, in't they... ain't

got no reach... Yeah, I'll just pick it off...

Bosh!

[KILL CRAZY enthusiastically punches the air a few times]

BAXTER

Can't reach anyfin' with them little arms.

RIMMER

That's probably why they're always a bit grumpy...

[RIMMER mimes trying to reach down his body with a T-Rex's small forearms]

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[The Dwarfers, with their Canary troop, scramble along a corridor]

[Suddenly, CAT pulls up short, shock and terror on his face]

CAT

Oh my god..!

KOCHANSKI

What!

CAT

Something's wrong!

LISTER

What d'you mean, man??

CAT

Something's inside me and it wants to get out!

KOCHANSKI

Oh my god!

CAT

Aaaarrggg! Help!!

[Tearing his clothes open, CAT sinks to the ground and falls onto his back.

sure enough, a strange, gibbering thing is wiggling around under CAT's

shirt]

RIMMER

What is it??

KRYTEN

I think it's Archie, sir.

LISTER

It's who?

KOCHANSKI

He escaped earlier - probably followed us. Must have dozed off in the

Cat's pocket and just woken up.

LISTER

Who the smeg is Archie?

KRYTEN

Oh, don't be alarmed, sir. It's just my penis is on the loose.

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

KILL CRAZY, BAXTER

Yaaarrrggg!!

[The crazed pair leap out from the wall of the corridor, separating RIMMER

and LISTER from the others, and squaring off with them]

BAXTER

We, want a barny with Barney - don't want any sane people spoilin' it...

KILL CRAZY

Death... or glory... yee-harr!

LISTER

Hang on guys, come on, wait a minute...

[BAXTER grabs the TIme Wand from Lister, and grunts ineffectually as he

stabs buttons stupidly on its control panel. Sparks and spurts of blue

electrical light splash over RIMMER and LISTER, apparently without effect]

BAXTER

This thing's useless!

[BAXTER tosses the Time Wand over his shoulder. BAXTER grabs LISTER's face

and pulls him close to his own. KILL CRAZY similarly grabs RIMMER]

BAXTER

Say goodbye to your teeth...

[BAXTER draws his fist back and punches LISTER solidly in the mouth, but

then grabs his hand, wincing in pain as LISTER doesn't move. He punches

again, with as little effect as his first]

LISTER

Something's not right... we're gettin' our butts kicked and it doesn't

hurt..?

[BAXTER lands a third punch on LISTER's mouth, still with no effect]

LISTER

See, look, I'm not even bleeding.

[KILL CRAZY tries his luck, landing a fist first in RIMMER's gut, then

across his mouth. RIMMER looks at him disdainfully]

RIMMER

You're right...

[BAXTER tries a change of tactics, grabs LISTER by his lapels and tries

pushing him backwards. After a few seconds gasping, he gives up. KILL CRAZY

tries the same on RIMMER, also to no avail. Simultaneously, the two psychos

land a stomach punch then a cross to the jaws of LISTER and RIMMER, then

stare incredulously as the pair grin back at them]

[KRYTEN is checking the Time Wand's control panel]

KRYTEN

According to this, sirs, they've put your bodies on a different Time

stream to the rest of you.

BAXTER

Let's go!

[KILL CRAZY and BAXTER turn and sprint away, passing KRYTEN and snatching

the Time Wand from his hands as they pass. Several other Canaries follow

them]

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--]

HOLLISTER

You lost the Time Wand?

LISTER

We were ambushed, sir.

HOLLISTER

By whom?

LISTER

Well, first of all by Kryten's -

RIMMER

Harummph!

LISTER

- and then we were jumped by -

RIMMER

Harummph!!

LISTER

- sir.

HOLLISTER

That's it?

Okay. No more 'Mister Nice Guy', no more second chances. You get that Time

Wand back, you get that sparrow back, and if you step out of line one more

time - *one more time* - you're dead! Do you understand?

[Suddenly, RIMMER and LISTER appear to pucker their lips out exaggeratedly,

but both look shocked. Just as the expressions disappear, two thumping

sounds issue from LISTER's general location and he goes reeling backwards,

smashing through a wall display of technical drawings. Slowly, he picks

himself back up and peers through the hole he just made]

LISTER

What was that??

RIMMER

I th--

[Whatever RIMMER thinks is temporarily lost as he suddenly doubles over, a

solid thump issuing from his midriff, then is knocked backwards off his

feet to the accompaniment of another bone-jarring crack. CAPTAIN HOLLISTER

looks around, amazed, as LISTER is twice sent flying through the air in

front of him]

HOLLISTER

What the hell is going on??

[The pair pick themselves up painfully]

RIMMER

The effects of the fight, they've caught up with us!

[RIMMER and LISTER suddenly lurch forward on to the CAPTAIN's desk, their

squashed faces inches from HOLLISTER's]

HOLLISTER

Get out of here, both of you! Out!

[Thrust back from the table, the pair barely have time to take breath,

before it is knocked out of them, and both take a punch that pushes them

out of the CAPTAIN's office, down the corridor, and finally slams them up

against the metal wall at the far end]

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

LISTER

Gettin' that Time Wand back could take forever, and they could zap us with

it, and turn us into anything!

RIMMER

I don't think getting it back is gonna be much of a problem...

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[A short distance away, two large gorillas, dressed in tight-fitting Canary

outfits are crouched on the deck, playing with the light beam from a torch.

The Time Wand lies forgotten on the deck a few feet away, and a large pole

eases towards it from out of short, and slides it carefully away from the

two gorillas]

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[Pete the T-Rex is laid out on his back, snoring soundly]

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

RIMMER

It's gonna go wrong, isn't it.

LISTER

Look, all I've gotta do is press 'undo', and the Time Wand will retrace

its steps, and undo everything its done so far. This way we'll even get

Birdman back.

RIMMER

Something's gonna go wrong, it always does for us.

LISTER

Will you relax?

[LISTER works the controls on the Time Wand and blue crackling light plays

over the deck momentarily. A pair of boots, filled with what looks

suspiciously like the remains of two feet, appear as the light clears]

LISTER

Birdman's boots. Now to get the rest of him back.

[LISTER again manipulates the control pad, and a second crackle of light

leaves behind a complete and living BIRDMAN]

BIRDMAN

Pete ate me. He ate me. He must be really out of sorts, he's never eaten

me before; never.

[LISTER works the controls a final time, and huge burst of crackling light

cascades over Pete's dinosaur form. In an instant, the massive bulk of the

T-Rex vanishes, leaving behind a tiny little sparrow that flutters,

tweeting, to BIRDMAN]

BIRDMAN

Pete!

You want some seed?

RIMMER

Now, destroy the Time Wand.

LISTER

This machine's priceless!

RIMMER

Destroy it!

[LISTER drops the Wand and stomps on it, mashing it to pieces]

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[Passing along a corridor, LISTER, RIMMER and BIRDMAN are distracted by a

somewhat large object that seems different to the surrounding metalwork of

Red Dwarf. Something roughly oval-shaped, off white in colour, with subtle

striped markings. The thing wobbles slightly as they watch, and a sound

exactly like the cracking of an eggshell can be heard]

LISTER

What are we gonna do now?

RIMMER

Now... rebuild... the Time Wand, it's absolutely priceless!

[LISTER and RIMMER sprint off, BIRDMAN tagging behind, and thereby miss a

beautiful moment as the youngling pokes its prehensile tail out of the

breaking eggshell. The trio return moments later, LISTER and RIMMER each

clutching a bundle of tangled wires and snapped circuit boards, and

manfully attempt to jam the pieces back together. After several painful

seconds, during which a pair of chubby feet thrust out from the egg, they

throw their pieces to the deck in disgust. As they watch, the little

dinosaur, manages to get its feet under it, and waddles rapidly down a

corridor, eggshell and all]

RIMMER

Stop that dinosaur!

LISTER

It's gone in the lift, its gone in the lift!

RIMMER

Get it back, get it back! Get it back...

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER is laid on a bed, receiving a massage]

HOLLISTER

Ooh, that coconut milk felt great...

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[Having recalled the elevator, LISTER and RIMMER dive into the car, weapons

drawn, but all that remains is an empty egg shell

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

HOLLISTER

Oh, I'm such a wreck...

[Exit MASSEUSE]

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[The baby T-Rex rises up beside the CAPTAIN, who lies face down on the bed]

HOLLISTER

Mmmm... ooohhhh... aahhh, oh, that's great.

The baby runs its tongue along HOLLISTER's back

HOLLISTER

Ohh, there's a certain roughness about your touch that really hits the

spot!

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[RIMMER and LISTER enter the CAPTAIN's office, and see HOLLISTER staring at

them silently. He holds up a white card, on which is written:]

"I am suffering from post traumatic stress disorder."

[HOLLISTER puts down the card and holds up a second:]

"I may never speak again."

[After a short pause, HOLLISTER selects a new card:]

"The Hole.

Twelve months."

[RIMMER and LISTER turn to leave, but HOLLISTER raps on his desk angrily,

holding up another card:]

"Where the hell are you going?"

RIMMER

The Hole, sir...

[HOLLISTER whips another card from his desk, which reads:]

"You're not going to the Hole - _I_am_"

[RIMMER and LISTER exchange an uncertain glance, and HOLLISTER, grinning

worryingly, holds up his final card:]

"See you in twelve months."

[------------------------- END OF "PETE, part 2" -------------------xx:xx--]